DBT.

I remember the day I stopped mid-thought because something finally shifted in my brain.

I had been on my mental-wellness journey for a couple of years by that point, attempting to rewire my brain to differentiate between helpful and unhelpful thoughts. This was also around the age when my brain finished developing into a full brain, because apparently that's a thing.

It actually makes such a difference when you're done growing and can begin the slow descent into apoptosis, where your body is now gradually failing.

Anyways.

I started noticing how often I thought things like:

I'm so stupid.

I made a mistake. I can't make mistakes.

Everyone thinks I'm stupid.

Nobody likes me.

I'm bad at everything.

I'm bad at my job.

I'm annoying.

I'm ugly.

I'm fat and everyone is staring at me in disgust, mocking me.

People only see my acne scars.

No one wants to be around me because I'm crazy.

I'm too much.

I'm worthless.

I'm a piece of shit.

I don't deserve to live.

Wow.

Dramatic, right?

Except those thoughts didn't feel dramatic when I was thinking them. They felt like facts.

Everything was black and white. I was constantly hyper-analyzing my shortcomings and treating every mistake as evidence of some larger, fundamental defect in my character.

It was easy to make self-deprecating jokes at my own expense, including jokes about wanting to unalive. Talking about my flaws in an obnoxious, intrusive way felt relatable and safe.

I was no good, and everyone deserved to know.

Today, I can recognize when a thought is unhelpful, acknowledge it as a thought, and move on.

Thanks, DBT.

I made a mistake.

Okay. What can I learn from it so I don't make the same mistake again?

Oh no, I was too harsh with a friend.

Okay. I should apologize and talk to them instead of ruminating for three weeks about how they must think and feel about me now, fabricating increasingly elaborate worst-case scenarios instead of sleeping.

That is the difference.

I can experience shame without turning it into a life sentence.

We are human.

We aren't our best selves all the time, and that's okay. Sometimes we let other people down. Sometimes we let ourselves down. It's disappointing, embarrassing, uncomfortable, and generally unpleasant—because nobody likes feeling that way.

Unless being demeaned is your kink, in which case, carry on. 🤷🏻‍♀️

But learning to regulate your emotions isn't toxic positivity.

It's not pretending everything is wonderful.

It's not forcing yourself to find the silver lining while your life is actively on fire.

It's your basic human right to exist peacefully inside your own mind.

I once read a quote that said something along the lines of:

You spend your entire life inside your head. Make it a nice place to live.

When I started actually practicing this, I noticed how much radiance seemed to reflect back at me.

I became more comfortable with myself.

I became more comfortable around other people.

I started attracting confident, kind people—the kind of people who build each other up and live authentically.

Giant culture shock.

I couldn't believe it was, in some ways, as simple as minding my mind.

I stepped over the bear trap instead of walking into it.

But then I started noticing how many people I knew were still trapped in theirs, bleeding.

I wanted to grab them and scream, GET OUT.

I wanted to explain that the traps weren't permanent. That they were allowed to leave. That they didn't have to keep hurting themselves just because pain had become familiar.

But you can't force someone to leave a trap.

So how do you step over your own?

Step One: Learn to Step Back

You need problem-solving skills.

You need to learn how to step back emotionally from a situation long enough to actually see what's happening.

In other words: emotional regulation.

A lot of us numb or suppress our emotions. We distract ourselves. We lash out. We overeat. We isolate. We obsess. We use substances. We pick fights. We doomscroll. We do basically anything except sit still long enough to actually feel what we're feeling.

For me, having BPD has made me hyper-aware of other people's emotions. I can notice tiny changes in someone's breathing, tone, facial expression, or body language.

It also means I can be exceptionally good at generating self-destructive thoughts. Lol.

The goal isn't to stop having emotions.

The goal is to become better at understanding them.

Different emotions need different coping skills.

Think of them like magic spells.

You're angry? Maybe you need to move your body and burn off some energy.

You're sad? Maybe you need to cry, rest, or take a nap.

You're overwhelmed? Maybe you need to remove some stimulation.

You're anxious? Maybe you need grounding.

It's basically the same principle as listening to your physical body.

If you're thirsty, drink water.

If you're exhausted, sleep.

If you're emotionally overwhelmed, listen to what the emotion is trying to tell you before deciding what to do about it.

Step Two: Get Uncomfortably Honest

You have to become mindful of your thoughts.

And this part sucks.

You're going to realize things you don't like about yourself.

Some of those things will be distortions.

Some of them will be real.

You might discover that you have been selfish.

Or avoidant.

Or judgmental.

Or unreliable.

Or cruel when you're angry.

Or overly dependent on other people's approval.

Healing doesn't mean convincing yourself that none of these things are true.

It means being able to say:

Okay. This is something I need to work on.

Not:

Therefore, I am a horrible person who deserves to suffer forever.

Those are very different statements.

In order to regulate your emotions and change your behavior, you also have to figure out what actually matters to you.

What are your principles?

What kind of person do you want to be?

Think about what you value in your friends.

Humor.

Creativity.

Kindness.

Reliability.

Honesty.

Compassion.

Accountability.

Those aren't just qualities you can admire in other people.

They're qualities you can practice yourself.

And that brings us to another uncomfortable question:

Is the company you keep helping you become the person you want to be?

Because sometimes your environment is reinforcing the exact behaviors you're trying to unlearn.

Step Three: Learn Accountability Without Self-Hatred

This is where problem-solving comes in.

You have to apply the right coping mechanism to the right problem.

You have to identify what you're actually feeling.

And you have to be willing to change your behavior.

That means accountability.

Not shame.

Accountability.

There's a difference.

Shame says:

I fucked up, therefore I am fucked up.

Accountability says:

I fucked up. What do I need to do differently next time?

One attacks your identity.

The other gives you something to work with.

You have to stop making excuses for behavior that hurts yourself or other people.

But you also have to stop using your mistakes as evidence that you're fundamentally worthless.

Those two things can coexist:

I did something wrong.

I am still a person who deserves to exist.

That's a really important distinction.

Step Four: Investigate the Thought

This is where I think my little detective brain finally became useful.

When you're trying to determine whether a thought is helpful or unhelpful, you need to separate emotion from evidence.

Not because emotions are meaningless.

Because emotions aren't always accurate descriptions of reality.

Take:

“I'm not successful, and I never will be.”

Okay.

What's the evidence?

“I didn't get a college degree.”

Okay.

Anything else?

“I don't make as much money as some of my friends.”

Okay.

Now let's pull out the hard facts.

Do you own a house?

Yes.

Are you happy?

Yes.

Do you make significantly more money for significantly less work than you used to?

Yes.

So by the measures that actually matter to you, are you successful?

I'd say yes.

Your brain gave you a conclusion.

Your job is to investigate the evidence.

That's healthy black-and-white thinking.

You're not saying:

Everything is terrible.

Or:

Everything is amazing.

You're asking:

What is actually true?

Step Five: Sit in the Feeling

This is another place where people get confused.

Sitting in your feelings doesn't mean indulging them.

It doesn't mean suppressing them, either.

It means allowing the emotion to exist without immediately judging yourself for having it.

You're angry.

Okay.

You're angry.

You don't have to be ashamed of being angry.

You're sad.

Okay.

You're sad.

You don't have to convince yourself that you're actually fine.

You're jealous.

Okay.

You're jealous.

Now you can figure out why.

The emotion is information.

It isn't necessarily instruction.

That's an important distinction.

You can feel furious without hurting someone.

You can feel jealous without acting possessive.

You can feel rejected without deciding that you're unlovable.

You can feel ashamed without deciding that you deserve punishment.

You can feel something deeply without allowing that feeling to dictate reality.

As humans, we're constantly analyzing our environment and making observations.

Those observations turn into judgments.

Those judgments become thoughts.

And those thoughts are influenced by everything we've been taught about ourselves, other people, relationships, success, beauty, morality, and what we're supposedly supposed to be.

Sometimes the voice in your head isn't even yours.

It's an old recording.

Step Six: Find the Trigger

Last but not least, figure out what starts your negative thought spirals.

What sends you down the bad trip?

Is it rejection?

Criticism?

Feeling ignored?

Making mistakes?

Comparing yourself to other people?

Conflict?

Being tired?

Being hungry?

Feeling out of control?

Once you know your triggers, you can start preparing for them instead of being blindsided every time.

And remember:

Someone saying something mean to you doesn't make it true.

Someone else's opinion is not evidence of your character.

But—and this part matters—sometimes another person's criticism contains information.

So stop and ask:

Why did this hurt me?

What exactly did they say?

Is there any truth in it?

What part belongs to them?

What part belongs to me?

Did I actually do something wrong?

Do I need to apologize?

Or am I simply internalizing someone else's anger?

Maybe they're hurt.

Maybe they're angry.

Maybe you contributed to that hurt.

Maybe you didn't.

The point is to investigate instead of automatically convicting yourself.

That's the skill.

You don't have to believe every thought your brain produces.

You don't have to punish yourself for every emotion you experience.

You don't have to pretend you're perfect.

You just have to learn how to tell the difference between a feeling, a thought, a fact, and a behavior.

Once you can separate those things, you have something incredibly powerful:

The ability to choose what you do next.

And honestly?

That's a pretty good place to start.