Synchronicity.
(This is an OG post, so the reference to me starting college in the Fall is no longer accurate!)
“You are not a machine. You are more like a garden. You need different things on different days. A little sun today, a little less water tomorrow. You have fallow and fruitful seasons. It is not a design flaw. It is wiser than perpetual sameness. What does your garden need today?”
— Joy Clarkson
Before starting this post, I want to make note of my own garden.
I’ve been struggling after a three-month high brought on by restarting medication. I felt invincible until I began to feel the itch again. Sometimes I can feel my bones quiver with restlessness, and suddenly, everything is wrong again.
I am not the owner of my body, merely a vessel of fate.
I think that’s why this post has been one of the harder ones to finish. I’m constantly wrestling with the internal battle between living with meaning and living with nihilism. I wake up either feeling content in my body and like a firm believer in synchronicity—or I wake up feeling like fate’s hostage, convinced that nothing I do matters.
Regardless, I am a creator, and I’m allowing this post to live.
Enjoy.
I’m one of those people who believes in signs.
As spontaneous as life is, some things are just too coincidental to be accidents.
I believe our intuition guides us through the journey we’re supposed to be on. Perceived failures are lessons that don’t lessen us. The harder you fight against fate, the more stagnant and unhappy you’ll feel.
Or at least, I think so.
There are so many seeds planted in our subconscious that I sometimes think we have a literal roadmap for which path to take. The problem is that it takes a tremendous amount of surrender to actually let life be.
You want the best, at any cost.
But is the best really your best?
Are you happy?
We live in a society that prides itself on burnout, excess, and complacency. We hold ourselves to standards of what we’ve been conditioned to want, and then continue to feel unhappy because those things aren't actually feeding our souls.
I’ve struggled with the concept of “laziness” when myself or other people aren’t doing everything in their power to make their lives “better.”
Everything is a competition or a subject worthy of scrutiny.
If your friend always complains about their job, why don’t they get a different one?
If I really want to lose weight, why don’t I just start eating healthier and exercising?
If I don’t go to college after high school, I must be a loser.
Question after question leads to toxic “if/then” statements that we believe are rooted in truth when, in reality, they’re often just assumptions.
So how do we draw the line between what we consider indifference and what we consider faith?
Sometimes, You Have to Let Things Be
What about the times when you’re allowed to just let things be how they’re supposed to be, even if it’s only for a moment?
You know what changes you want to make, but it just doesn’t feel like the right place or the right time.
This isn't an argument against accountability. There are absolutely times when we need to take responsibility for our lives and make difficult changes.
But sometimes you can do everything in your power to do “better” and things still don’t go the way you want them to.
That’s where synchronicity comes in.
You may ask yourself:
What is my purpose?
What am I doing wrong?
Why am I so far behind in life?
Patience.
Observation.
Look for landmarks on your subconscious roadmap while trying to navigate the experience we call life.
The Mourning Dove
The day I had my interview for my current job—which I love—I saw a mourning dove before leaving my house.
I took note of it because I rarely see doves in our neighborhood. Since I believe everything has meaning, I looked it up.
Mourning doves are often associated with faith, peace, and new beginnings.
Obviously, I got the job.
But the interesting part is that this happened after I had spent the previous two years hanging onto a toxic work environment because it gave my life meaning.
I was a martyr hypnotized by capitalism and a sense of purpose.
I felt needed, so I worked myself until I was beyond recognition. It resulted in a blown-out ego, workplace hostility, and a version of myself I barely recognized.
I refused to believe that the place I worked was killing me.
And that refusal kept me pinned down.
As soon as I let go, my world shifted.
I started feeling successful again.
I started feeling happy again.
If it feels wrong, it probably is.
My Roadmap
Here’s an example of synchronicity in my own life. In this case, I’ll stay on the topic of jobs.
After my former husband’s schooling didn’t pan out, we moved back across state lines for his job. We cut our losses, and I started working at a factory for sixty hours a week.
That job broke me physically.
But it also taught me discipline and perseverance that would eventually help me in every job that followed.
One of the biggest problems was that the job simply wasn't sustainable. I burned myself out, and after six brutal months, I quit without another job lined up.
Some people could look at that period of my life and call it wasted time.
I don't.
It’s never wasted if something was gained.
A month later, I got a job at a pet store.
That job led me to:
adopting my second cat
starting an aquatics hobby
making a handful of great friends
starting therapy again, which eventually led to my BPD diagnosis
learning how to be a manager and leader
contributing financially toward buying our house
beginning to learn my worth as a human being
But, on the flip side, that job broke me emotionally and mentally.
I was actually prompted to seek therapy because of my problems at work—which, in a very fucked-up way, is almost the exact definition of synchronicity at play.
Nevertheless, all of the pain that came from that pet store job gave me experiences I needed for the job I have now.
And my current job led me to:
getting beautiful tattoos
making even better friends who support, love, and cherish me through all my ups and downs
FINALLY getting a dog
contributing even more financially
getting back on medication for my depression and anxiety
having a fixed schedule that allows for work-life balance
growing further into my full potential
I’m still on this path as far as my career goes.
I’m also supposed to start college this fall, and I have a feeling that will unlock the next landmark.
Maybe that’s how life works.
One thing leads to another.
The Ripple Effect
I truly believe all of these events are connected.
Whenever something doesn’t work out, it hurts. Sometimes it hurts like absolute fucking hell.
But sometimes the thing that feels like it's ruining your life is actually keeping you on the path you're supposed to be on.
I often think about how a seemingly minor change could create a catastrophic ripple through life as I know it.
What if my dog wasn’t my dog?
What if my parents weren’t my parents?
What if I had never met my former husband?
What if I had stayed at that factory?
What if I had never worked at the pet store?
What if I had never gone back to therapy?
People play such a huge role in paving the paths on our roadmaps, for better or worse.
Some people become landmarks.
Some become detours.
Some become warnings.
And some become the reason you make it to the next destination at all.
Juno
Now that we have a basic overview of one section of my roadmap, feel free to pause here and make one of your own.
Start with the landmarks.
For me, one of those landmarks is Juno.
I found her outside our previous apartment complex on my birthday.
I decided to keep her.
If I had come home at a different time, I could have completely missed her.
Four years of an absolutely immeasurable depth of love followed.
And then came my biggest tragedy.
When Juno died, I received a statue of the Egyptian goddess Bastet and put it on my memorial shelf next to her footprint.
Juno then visited me twice.
The first time, I felt an unexplained warmth at the foot of my bed, followed by the unmistakable sensation of her splooting between my legs.
The second time, I felt her jump onto the side of the bed and walk along the narrow ledge beside me, drifting away once she reached my head.
It was unmistakably her.
Then there’s my dog—the dog we got on the same day Juno died.
She has three dots on her left front paw, arranged in a line similar to Orion’s Belt.
That became significant to me because, in the mythology and symbolism I’ve studied, Orion’s Belt has often been associated with a bridge between the earthly world and the heavens.
How different would my life be if my dog wasn't my dog?
She saved my life.
And I know I have Juno to thank for that.
Numbers
Some people look to numbers—dates, times, repeating sequences—for significance. Dates and times are also essential to natal charts, which is another reason they hold meaning for me.
My number is 1:37.
It’s a time I frequently wake up in the middle of the night.
For the purpose of this post, I looked up its significance and was pleasantly surprised by what I found. One interpretation describes 1:37 as confirmation that you’re on your present life course and encouragement to continue along your spiritual path.
Whether or not someone else would interpret that number the same way doesn't really matter to me.
What matters is what it means when I see it.
Dates affect me heavily, too. I believe different times of year affect us differently based on our natal charts, as well as on the events that have happened throughout our lives.
Sometimes a date is just a date.
Sometimes it carries a whole fucking universe with it.
Transformation & Tradition
The Ouroboros.
I find a lot of meaning in sifting through what’s worth keeping and what’s worth letting go.
This is a giant landmark on my personal map, more like the Grand Canyon than a street sign.
There are things I either unyieldingly cling to—astrology, sunrises and sunsets, the ocean, the moon, MBTI, love—or things I completely deconstruct and allow to die.
Family ideals.
Trauma work.
Grief.
Disappointment.
Expectations.
I’m all about changing.
However, some things don't change.
Think about little you and everything you loved.
I remember admiring our lilac tree. Lilacs represent love and renewal.
I cherished the moss that grew in the woods. Moss is often associated with maternal love.
Tracing these simple things back can reveal what you needed most—and what you might still be lacking.
Try making a list of things that bring you nostalgia.
The good.
The bad.
The weirdly specific.
The things you haven’t thought about in twenty years.
Then ask yourself what they might be trying to tell you.
What needs changing?
What needs protecting?
Sometimes figuring that out reveals hidden paths to your landmarks.
What Does Your Garden Need Today?
So that brings us back around to the original question:
What can I do, and how do I know if doing nothing is the best choice?
I think there’s a difference between doing nothing because you’ve abandoned yourself and doing nothing because you’re allowing yourself to exist.
Doing nothing in the sense of having no aspiration toward self-betterment—whether that’s your health, interests, or relationships—or using society as an excuse to continue unhealthy patterns, ignoring what actually feeds you, and suppressing your most fundamental needs?
Those are things we probably shouldn’t be doing.
But changing paths when something doesn't feel right?
Letting go of control when a situation feels insurmountable?
Resting?
Going about your day with its ups and downs as long as you feel fed?
Allowing yourself to exist without constantly demanding that you become a better, more productive, more successful version of yourself?
Those can be perfectly appropriate ways to do “nothing.”
We are terrified of failing society when we should probably be more concerned with whether we are failing ourselves.
Maybe the goal isn't to constantly become something else.
Maybe the goal is to notice what season we're in.
A garden doesn't bloom every day.
It doesn't mean the garden is broken.
Sometimes it needs sun.
Sometimes it needs water.
Sometimes it needs to be pruned.
Sometimes it needs to be left the fuck alone.
And sometimes, beneath the soil where nothing appears to be happening, something is growing.
So if you’re asking yourself, What am I doing wrong? Why am I behind? Why can't I just get my shit together?
Maybe stop for a second.
Look at your roadmap.
Look at your landmarks.
Look at what brought you here.
And then ask yourself:
What does my garden need today?
Maybe the answer is action.
Maybe it’s surrender.
Maybe it’s grief.
Maybe it’s joy.
Maybe it’s rest.
Maybe it’s simply another day of being alive.
As long as you’re genuinely doing your best, allowing yourself to experience your life, and paying attention to what actually feeds you, maybe you don't have to force the next step.
Maybe you can trust that you'll find it.
And maybe, sometimes, letting life fall into place is part of the path, too.
