Procrastination.

Right in the middle of the year, I am able to look forward and backward like I’m crossing a street. I see everything that I’ve done but also feel the crushing weight of everything I still have to do. Shock and awe crescendo in an aching dance filled with wonder and anxiety. It’s the static of electricity in your hair before lightning strikes.

I put off writing this post for so long that I began it in June and had to delete everything except the excerpt above. Nothing was relevant anymore, which demonstrates that time passes and things heal just as much as they break.

In the middle of this year, I was waiting for everything happening NOW. There was nothing “new” to look forward to after next week. This year has been filled with both crushing disappointments and satisfactory triumphs. As I have bargained with the apocalypse, my perspectives on a wide range of issues have shifted. What is worthy of my last emotional reserves as I struggle to keep up with everyone else?

I guess this will always be my question, and like Heaven and Hell, I’ll never have a concrete answer. How do I enjoy life when everything around me is burning? Maybe I need to hang out with the destitute and dying to get some perspective. Surely there is SOMETHING worth enjoying that won’t be offensive.

So many things revolve around hatred. Our culture has been stitched into a quilt that is either too soft or too rough, too heavy or too thin. We’re all wrapped in the same blanket, but our level of comfort isn’t the same. Some of us have the perfect cozy while others are numb from the cold. People who are too cold, on the other hand, are not being burned alive.

I’m always like 👏🏻 perspective 👏🏻 perspective 👏🏻 perspective.

Yet I’m here, nary a fuck to give, because nothing matters 🌈 and that’s why I procrastinate.

Procrastinating is one of my toxic traits that I rarely admit to doing. My anxiety usually forces me to rush through completing tasks, but since I’ve been on a different schedule, my jet lag has brutalized any modicum of motivation I’ve managed to store. Inspiration sparks less.

But I think there’s something more complicated happening here.

The big P is also one of the traits I hate most in other people, which made me realize how much I was projecting. Something about putting off necessary tasks reads as so irresponsible to me. Please, just do things in a timely manner when instructed to do so. How do people live without fear of consequences?

Except… apparently, I do.

By no means am I superhuman when it comes to doing what I say I’m going to do. I have my safe tasks, like cleaning, where I know what I’m doing and I’m good at it (this is subjective; my husband would say otherwise). I’m a rockstar at sending emails, regardless of the subject. I can put my animals’ needs above my own, and I have about a 90% success rate of making sure they’re taken care of first and foremost. I’m great about making doctor’s appointments, primarily because my doctor has e-visits and messaging options. I’m also a pretty good friend, and I do my best to always follow through with commitments.

Lastly, I’m the bomb at paying bills on time. Whenever I get a bill I didn’t know about, though, I instantly spiral into a sink-pit because it didn’t exist to me until that moment. Unexpected responsibilities always throw me off.

Things I’m TERRIBLE at: making phone calls for the first time; hygiene; sleeping at appropriate times; controlling my easy-payoff vices; remembering birthdays; being messy AF and always saying I’ll clean it later (I’m a very organized chaos kind of person); attempting to exercise—I am both clumsy and, admittedly, sometimes lazy; finishing blog posts that I start; and, finally, eating a well-balanced diet that would probably help with my fatigue and other health issues I mostly ignore.

I’m basically the Queen of ignoring my basic needs and disrespecting the hell out of what my body is actually asking for.

Also, special note: eating the food I already have at home.

The funny thing is, I don’t think I’m actually lazy.

I think I’m incredibly good at avoiding things that make me uncomfortable.

Sometimes that means avoiding the phone call because I don’t know who is going to answer. Sometimes it means putting off exercise because I know I’m going to feel awkward and clumsy. Sometimes it means ignoring my own body because meeting its needs requires me to stop doing whatever is giving me an easier payoff.

And sometimes, I think procrastination is what happens when you care about too many things at once.

There are always more responsibilities. More people to answer. More things to clean. More appointments to make. More messages to return. More things happening in the world that I should care about. More things happening inside of me that I should probably care about, too.

Eventually, something has to be ignored.

The first step in becoming aware of procrastination is realizing how your lack of action is negatively impacting your life. If you feel like you’ve plateaued, ask yourself:

What have I NOT been doing?

Maybe the thing keeping you stuck isn’t some grand failure or lack of motivation. Maybe it’s the collection of tiny things you keep promising yourself you’ll do later.

I know I have a few.

As always, thanks for reading.

Now go forth and do the things!